Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Gloom

tuesday

I was doing okay with things until Mimi spoke up. When she climbed up on top of her website and went all DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

This weird endgame has been the world I've grown up in. When planes slammed into those building I was in high school, barely aware of the news world as we knew it -- way before the 24 hour news cycle was drempt of. It was the first time I saw Tom Brokaw look so haggard, a news anchor!, wearing his glasses on air because he was there so late.

The learning curve of world awareness was steep as the cowboy began throwing fistfuls of dollars into the desert fire. Seeing the many ugly faces of racism, classism and religious intolerance, on all sides. I lived in Greeley during the ICE raids, literally driving Anthony to work, across the street from the Swift Plant, and getting confused about all the huge unmarked vans -- and the cars of family members, from places like Chihuahua, Sonora, Baja California. I moved to Portland just before the recession really hit, and got my housecleaning job just as the boat was sinking. I did this so I could peruse my real career of making pictures, which even for the well-represented and market-savvy is not necessarily a path to superbly affluent living. I've always known that while my life would be rich in colors, ideas and laughter, I would never have it financially easy. With or without world economies collapsing. I am okay with this. I managed to make it out of college without debt, so really I am in better shape than almost everyone I know. When that bubble bursts, I'll still be on solid ground.

Once Mimi lost it though I kind of lost it. Because she's right of course. Things are real bad out there, guys. It's insane.

tuesday2

I don't know what to do either. I oscillate between two states. The first: staring unblinking into the void, jaw rigid, ready for the blows, keeping my bag packed with the backpacking tent and a change of clothes. The resignation of the young, the inheritors of the earth. The second: basically what she's describing there. The constant anxiety. The uncertainty of the future. The feeling that I can never, ever plan more than five years forward, because I have no idea what kind of world it will be in that time. I feel this way all the time. It's just the volume on the dial changes.

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